What are the odds these ’80s action heroes would survive a zombie apocalypse?
Dutch from Predator – Played by an in-his-prime Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dutch single-handedly defeats the Predator, an alien hunter that’s killed off the rest of Dutch’s special forces team. Not only is he good with a gun, but he can make his own bow-and-arrow. Dutch also used his muscles and his wits to defeat the Predator. A hoarde of zombies wouldn’t stand a chance.
Rambo – This is a tough one. Yes, Rambo destroyed a town in First Blood and won the Vietnam war by himself in Rambo: First Blood Part II, but John Rambo is, psychologically, a mess. He’s suffering from PTSD and disillusioned with America for their treatment of Vets during and after Vietnam. Like Dutch, though, Rambo is special forces, and anyone who saw the most recent Rambo saw the man tear about 75 soldiers to pieces with a huge machine gun. Rambo is crafty, and may be right at home in the zombie apocalypse. As Troutman said in First Blood Part II, “What you call Hell, he calls home.”
Ellen Ripley – No stranger to surviving monstrous creatures, Ripley survived the first Alien movie, where her entire crew was killed – and she didn’t have a weapon. She even survived a planet full of them in Aliens, armed with a machine gun, grenades, and a huge robotic exoskeleton. It’s doubtful she’d thrive in a zombie-filled world, but she’d survive. For a while, at least. Odds: 7:1
John McClane – A New York cop who sports a hangover on his best days, John McClane has proven, time and again, that he will only Die Hard. McClane isn’t a superman on the level of Dutch or Rambo, but he did out-duel one of the greatest villains of all time, Hans Gruber. Sadly, making it through a zombie apocalypse doesn’t necessarily require skills at playing cat-and-mouse, and with a family to watch over, McClane will find A Good Day to Die Hard, sooner, rather than later. Get it? See what I did there? Using the last, awful Die Hard title as a joke? Eh, whatever.
Rocky Balboa – A feel-good story if there ever was one, Rocky has strength, but no brains. I don’t care if he beat Ivan Drago and ended the Cold War, he’s not lasting more than a week or two when the zombies come.
Any Kurt Russell character from a John Carpenter movie – It can be Snake Plissken from Escape from New York, Jack Burton from Big Trouble in Little China, or MacReady from The Thing. Actually, scratch that. Plissken would probably become a zombie just to screw someone over, Burton would get bitten by some weird mystical ninja zombie, and MacReady froze to death at the end of The Thing. These guys don’t stand a chance.
The Terminator – Duh. It’s a robot.
Odds: None. It’s a done deal.
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